I came across these two verses in Proverbs about a quarrelsome wife and it got me thinking. I wanted to share with you my thoughts and a little bit about some things I have discovered along the way.
“A foolish child is a father’s ruin, and a quarrelsome wife is like the constant dripping of a leaky roof.” Proverbs 19:13
“ A quarrelsome wife is like the dripping of a leaky roof in a rainstorm; restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand. ” Proverbs 27:15-16
Quarrelsome means to be argumentative, contentious,the tendency to cause disagreement or strife. Someone who is quarrelsome likes to be right, and feels the need to get the last word in or come out with the upper hand in a situation of tension. At first glance of this definition, I would be pretty quick to say I am nowhere near a quarrelsome wife. However, as I look at these phrases like… “likes to be right”, “come out with the upper hand.” Yeah, I can see that there is a tendency for me to be quarrelsome, especially in the moments when I’m feeling weak and vulnerable already.
Have you ever seen the reaction of a hurt wild animal when someone tries to help them? Their natural tendency is to fight. Why? Because in their minds they don’t want to get hurt worse than they already are. It’s their defense mechanism kicking in. They are trying to protect themselves, but what they fail to understand is that in reality, they are pushing away the very hand that is trying to help them heal. I am wired much like that wild animal, especially in those moments when I am already hurting from something else. My defense mechanism kicks in and I become the quarrelsome wife that scripture talks about. My insecurities get the upper hand and I fight back. Can anyone relate, or is it just me? I’m guessing there are probably a few of you who become quarrelsome when your husband puts a finger on your already hurting wound. Here is what I fail to remember in those moments. My husband is not my enemy. He is the hand that is trying to help bring healing and I am pushing him away by being quarrelsome.
If we take a look at Proverbs 19:13 and Proverbs 27:15 closer, they both say that a quarrelsome wife becomes like a constant dripping. Have you ever had a dripping sink? How about the sound of a toilet that just keeps running and does not shut off? Does it irritate you? It drives my husband insane! He absolutely hates those continuous sounds that don’t let up. And yet the word of God says I am that type of irritant to my husband when I am quarrelsome. Proverbs 27:16 says restraining a quarrelsome wife is as difficult as catching the wind or holding oil in the hands. Both of these things are about impossible to contain. Thank goodness we serve a God of the impossible!
Our Heavenly Father is so gracious with us. Not only has He sent us husbands to help us learn, but He is so patient with us in this process of learning. Even though our husbands may grow impatient with us, we serve a God who has a detailed roadmap for us to follow and is patiently helping us navigate our way through the wounds and scars of life. How do we combat the mindset of a quarrelsome wife, especially in those moments we think we are right and our husbands are in the wrong?
Admit and Lay it down
We must be willing to admit when we are being quarrelsome before we can ever hope to overcome the constant dripping in our husband’s ears. The very moment we notice this creeping in we need to run to the feet of Jesus and ask for His help and wisdom. We can not cut the bonds of being quarrelsome without Him!
Be quick to listen and slow to speak
James 1:19-12 says... “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.” We are never going to solve our problems by arguing them away, all this will bring is destruction. If we truly desire to see our situations transformed, then that transformation must happen in us first. From the overflow of a changed heart, will flow a desire in others to change will inevitably become contagious.
Select our words carefully
Part of being slow to speak means that we take the time to think about how our words will affect the heart and mind of the one we are speaking them to. Will our words bring life or destruction, joy or pain, peace or turmoil? Scripture tells us to... “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.” 1 Thessalonians 5:11. If it is not encouraging, it should probably not be said.
Choose the appropriate tone of voice
It’s not just the words we say that speak volumes, it is the tone in which we say them, our body language as they roll off our lips and our and our overall demeanor as we speak that will penetrate the heart. We can say all the right words and still come across as a quarrelsome wife with our tone, body language, and demeanor. Yep, I can definitely relate to this one! There have been many moments I have shared things with my husband and they were not received well, all because I shared them in the wrong tone and demeanor. Scripture tells us that… “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Proverbs 15:1
Pick the ideal time
Not every moment is the right moment to discuss challenging situations with our husbands. When he walks in the door from a long day at work, it is not the right time! We as wives need to be sensitive to his needs as well. “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” Philippians 2:3-4. When we are able to decipher when it is a good time and when it is not a good time to discuss challenges we will be able to keep ourselves from becoming a quarrelsome wife.
“The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.” Proverbs 14:1. I believe we become a wise woman when we communicate with the proper tone, body language, and demeanor. I also think that a wise woman is able to discern the proper timing to discuss difficult situations. By doing these things we build our house and in turn it keeps us from being a quarrelsome woman who tears down their house.
Approach with a heart of love, compassion, and humility
“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.” Ephesians 4:2
“Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” 1 Peter 4:8
In order for us to even begin to communicate with the proper tone, body language and demeanor, and to discern the best time to share, we must first operate from a place of love, compassion, and humility. That’s the bottom line here, when we keep ourselves humble, compassionate and overflowing with love, then it will be much easier to guard ourselves against being a quarrelsome wife. I don’t know about you, but this is challenging at times. My selfish nature wants its way something fierce at times and I’m ashamed to admit it, but my husband ends up with the quarrelsome wife when he should be getting the one filled with love, compassion, and humility.
Heavenly Father, you know the struggles we face at times. Our selfish nature crops in on us and our poor husbands get the complete opposite of what they should be getting. I pray that you help us to recognize when we are being quarrelsome and run to your feet immediately. Help us to hold our tongues, to be quick to listen and slow to speak. Guide our tongues to the right words to say, the proper tone, body language and demeanor in which we convey them. Give us wisdom in when to share and above all else fill us with your love, compassion, and humility. We ask all these things in the precious name of Jesus Christ.
References used: Crosswalk.com, gotquestions.org
15 When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?”
“Yes, Lord,” he said, “you know that I love you.”
Jesus said, “Feed my lambs.”
16 Again Jesus said, “Simon son of John, do you love me?”
He answered, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.”
Jesus said, “Take care of my sheep.”
17 The third time he said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?”
Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love me?” He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.”
Jesus said, “Feed my sheep.
John 21: 15-17
I find it interesting in this passage of scripture that Jesus would ask Peter three times in a row if he loved Him. As you study out the original Greek and Hebrew of this word love you realize why. In the English language we just have one word for love, but many definitions, or expressions of the word love. However, in the Greek, there are six different words for love with six very distinct meanings and expressions. In the Hebrew, they have three different words for love, each conveying a very different weight and connotation to it. I feel like the original language does a better job of helping us to see into the heart of Peter in this passage better than our current English translation can.
The original Greek
I wanted to take some time and examine the Greek words used in this passage. When Jesus asks Peter the first time if he loves Him (vs 15). That word love in the Greek is agape. This word carries a unique weight to it because it is the word used in scripture time and time again to describe the way God loves. Agape love is an all-consuming passion for the well being of the one being loved. It is a love that esteems, elevates, prizes, and delights in others expecting nothing in return. It keeps loving when the love is not reciprocated when the one being loved is unkind, unlovable, unworthy and rejecting the love being given. It is an unconditional love that only desires the best for the one being loved and nothing less. Doesn’t that just sound like our Heavenly Father? Agape love is God. That is the very definition of who He is. Agape love is how He loves us!
Now that we understand the weight associated with this word agape, let’s return to Peter. When Jesus asks “do you agape me?” I can just picture Peter squirming a bit and somewhat getting defensive as he answers… “you know I love you.” But here is where it gets interesting. Peter does not respond with the word agape. He responds with a completely different word for love and he says... “you know I “philos” you Lord.”
This word philos has an entirely different meaning and carries a much lighter weight than the word agape. It is a word that means brotherly love, a friendship kind of love. It is a fondness or a liking for another person. I read one definition that actually went as far as to say that this type of love can collapse in times of crisis. When I read this it made me stop and wonder if Peter was unknowingly foreshadowing his coming denial of knowing Jesus (Luke 22:54-71) when he said... of course I philos you, Lord.
If we keep reading Jesus asks Peter a second time “do you truly agape me?” Again, I can picture Peter still squirming and feeling a bit perturbed with Jesus’ questioning… “Yes, Lord, you know that I philo you.” Now, for a second time in a row, Peter did not answer with the same word. I wonder if that word agape had such weight in the original Greek that it was too much for Peter to even speak?
Finally, Jesus asked Peter a third time if he loved Him, but this time instead of agape He used philo, love of the friendship variety, a brotherly kind of love. Peter again replied with… “you know that I philo you.” Finally, Peter’s answer was lining up with Jesus’ question!
I don’t believe Jesus was trying to exasperate Peter here by repeating the same question over and over again, but I do believe Jesus was trying to make a point. We serve a God that loves us with an all-consuming kind of love, a love that cannot be broken, weakened or taken away. What Christ was showing here is His desire for us to love Him with that level of passion. As I studied this out I found myself asking...Do I really agape the Lord? Do I really love Christ in the manner He desires for me to love Him? God desires an all in composing, all-consuming kind of agape love. Do I even remotely give that type of love to Him or is it more of the friendship variety?
Just like Peter, I can honestly say that I absolutely philo the Lord, but agape Him is a whole new dimension, one that I wonder if I have remotely come close to.
Call to action
How about you? Do you love the Lord with the weight of an agape kind of love, or does it lean more towards the philo or friendship type? I know there are some of us out there who can honestly answer that we love the Lord in an all-encompassing, all-consuming agape type of love. But for those of us whose love for the Lord leans more towards the philos variety, we have some work to do. I wish I could say I have answers for moving from one level of love to another, but I do not. I will be seeking the Lord to reveal to my heart how to make that transition. I am just thankful that the Lord brought me to a place where I noticed there was a difference.
To read more on the topic of love visit the series on love.
Father, thank you for showing me the difference between the agape love that you shower upon me and the philos love that I end up returning. My heart’s prayer is that you bring me to a place where I can love you and others with an agape love, one that does not have expectations involved. I pray for anyone reading this post that may need to make a change in their level of love for you, that you deal with their hearts compassionately and gently. Lead them to a greater understanding of agape love. Show us, Lord, how to love like you! Show us how to agape others!
Knowing who you are and how you are wired is a pretty substantial thing in life to know and understand about yourself. But what happens when you feel like everything you have always understood about your identity seems like it is taking a paradigm shift? What if you feel like your identity is no longer clear? What if you feel like you are going through an identity crisis?
This was me, questioning who I was, where I fit into life and how I was supposed to be a thriving member of society anymore. Let’s back up and understand how I came to this dangerous mindset. As you may or may not know, my family has been called to the mission field of Liberia, West Africa. Our lives had always been pretty routine and predictable. We owned our own home and honestly, it was a little piece of heaven on earth. We had bought our house knowing that we would be leaving it one day, and eight years later the Lord called us to sell everything and leave. Without hesitation we did. In this monumental act of obedience, I later came to realize that I had inadvertently wrapped up my identity in my routine, predictable and my comfortable lifestyle. So, when we left everything behind I unknowingly left behind my identity as well. I had mistakenly thought that when God called us to the mission field I had to leave not only the material life behind but also everything I had become up to that point. This thinking had started me on a slippery slope of questioning who I was and how I fit into the calling God had for our family. Please know that I never once questioned the call, I questioned how I fit into the call because I had left my identity behind. In other words, I assumed that because we were entering a new phase of our spiritual walk that I would no longer function in the same manner in which I had before.
I praise God for His grace and mercy to bring me to a place of understanding in this area. You see, God never called me to leave behind my identity of being a wife, a mom, a spiritual disciple of my children, the educator of our kids (aka homeschooling) or any of those things. God as simply called me to add to it. When God calls us into new realms he doesn’t ask us to abandon who we are. In fact, that is the very thing He desires for us to take with us. God has shaped our identity in a special way so that as we are called out into moments of ministry that our uniquely shaped identity shines through to bring honor and glory to His name. Upon reaching this understanding it brought my heart such peace and clarity. So, was I going through an identity crisis? No, I had simply misunderstood God’s intentions for my uniquely designed identity. I had mistakenly assumed that He wanted me to leave behind my identity instead of adding to it. This is such liberty to my spirit because it allows room for growth, room for further stepping out, room for more doors to open up and room for more callings to come. I don’t have to become anyone else. All I need to do is grow in the person God has created me to be!
If you are struggling with your identity in Christ, know that you are not alone. But also know that He has uniquely wired you to do things that are specifically designed for you to do in the kingdom. Take comfort in knowing Jeremiah 29:11.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
For more reading on your identity check out the following posts: Who Am I?, You Are A Masterpiece, You Are A Masterpiece (Part 2), A Mother’s Commission
Father, I thank you for uniquely creating each one of us for plans and purposes you already have mapped out for us. Help us to know who we are in Christ and have full confidence in that identity. In the moments of our questioning help us to see things through your eyes. Direct us where to go in your word and to the right people in order to get the encouragement we need to search out our identity. Thank you for having a special place for us in the kingdom. We pray in the precious name of Jesus Christ.
We find ourselves on the road yet again for the second round of fundraising. So, please forgive me once again for my posts being a little scattered. Living on the road does not give as much time for writing as I would like. Upon the completion of round two of fundraising, are hoping to have enough funds to get to Liberia come August or September of this year. We have had some precious opportunities to spend with family, friends and even fellow missionaries on the field. Our most recent adventure was to Tijuana, Mexico. We spent about 5 days with two beautiful missionary families. We rejoiced with them as they shared their many God directed moments and connected with them as they openly shared their struggles and challenges of being on the mission field. Missionary life is not easy no matter what part of the world you are in.
Missionary calling
Did you know that we are each called to a life of missions? Scripture tells us to go and make disciples (Matthew 28:19). It never tells us where, it just says go. That “going” could mean the grocery store, our workplace, our neighborhood, and even our closest friends and family. There are no clear boundaries given to that word “go.” You don’t even need to find yourself on foreign soil in order to fulfill this word, but you do need to “go.” But because the word “go” is an action word, we must physically be doing something in order to fulfill the scripture. We must take some kind of action to see disciples coming into the kingdom. They will not just magically appear because we want them to. We are required to put in some blood, sweat, and often times many many tears rooted in prayer in order for that scripture to come to fruition. When we do our part, the Lord will always make good on His word. So, no matter where you are at, you are called to be a missionary for Christ!
I wanted to share with you some of our experiences on the mission field of Tijuana, Mexico in hopes that you may be encouraged to reach out to those in your own community who are in need of the love of Jesus Christ. I realize that some of these experiences may be extreme cases but look around you. There are hurting people everywhere. They don’t all look the same from the outside, but their hearts still need Jesus just the same.
A local orphanage
What a tremendous heart-tugging experience it was to visit an orphanage in Tijuana. This particular orphanage is currently housing 64 children. They provide housing, meals, schooling, clothing much-needed love and support to all of these precious children. You could not help but want to take these kids home with you. Are there any orphaned individuals in your community? People who have been written off as unwanted, unneeded or unloved? What are some things you can do to show them the love of Christ?
The city dump
This was by far the most gut-wrenching thing to see during our stay in Tijuana. These people had literally built shelters in at the city dump. They spent their days picking through dump truck loads of trash that were disposed of on a daily basis. We passed out more than 100 sandwiches and snacks to individuals and even had the opportunity to pray for several of them. It truly breaks your heart to see people with so little when we are blessed with so much. We were told by one of the native people that these individuals flee to the dump often times to escape the police. They know that the police will leave them alone if they are there. There is a lot of drug abuse and a dump is a place that the police do not want to go. Who are the people around you who find themselves in a hopeless situation, a situation they don’t know how to get themselves out of? How can you show Jesus to those who are down and out, heavy-hearted, or just simply running away from their past?
There are people who find themselves in these types of situations in every walk of life. The situations may disguise themselves in different masks, but as I said earlier, they still all need Jesus.
Father, open our eyes that we may see those around us in need of you. Help us to seek out the broken hearted so we can bring them to your feet so you can bind up their wounds. We know that there are broken people everywhere. We do not have to go to the orphanage or the city dump to find them, they are in our workplaces, our neighborhoods, and sometimes even in our own homes. Help us to see people through your eyes. We pray this in the precious name of Jesus Christ.
I was reading a portion of scripture this morning and something seemed to jump off the page. What’s funny is that this was not some kind of new understanding or realization. It just got me thinking about this question… Where is your heart?
“The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to set the oppressed free,” Luke 4:18 (Emphasis mine)
After reading this I realized Christ came for the poor, the prisoners, the blind, and the oppressed so they can be set free. I was once all of those things, but have been set free. Not that I don't’ need Christ on a daily basis, because I do, but it got me wondering where my heart is. If Christ’s heart longs for the poor, prisoners, blind and oppressed, then who am I longing for? Who am I proclaiming the good news to? It convicted my heart to realize that the majority of the time I am talking about Christ it is with other believers rather than with the lost. I began to look up other verses about whom Christ came for and why he came and believe it or not the pattern is very similar to the verse we just went over. Let’s take a look at some of these verses, shall we?
“On hearing this, Jesus said to them, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.” Mark 2:17 (Emphasis mine)
“For the Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost.” Luke 19:10 (Emphasis mine)
“The one who does what is sinful is of the devil because the devil has been sinning from the beginning. The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the devil’s work.” 1 John 3:8 (Emphasis mine)
Christ’s main goal is to destroy the devil’s work. Now, I realize at times it may seem like the devil is winning the battle, but the beauty of this whole thing is that he never wins the war. If you look at the back of the book Christ wins! That is exciting news! The way He wins this war is one soul at a time, one person who is poor in spirit at a time, one prisoner at a time, one blind eye opened at a time, one oppressed spirit at a time, one lost heart at a time, and one sinner at a time. Where is my heart in all of this? Am I willing to fight the good fight of faith and go after these precious souls, or will I just be comfortable in the fact that I am “safe” in the knowledge of Jesus Christ? Am I willing to seek out the lost and hurting or do I want to stay in my comfort zone and pretend like everything is going to be fine with my neighbor, the clerk at the grocery store, my co-worker or the librarian at the public library? Where is my heart?
How about you? Where is your heart? Do you feel drawn to the lost and hurting or do they scare you and freak you out? Are you like me and would feel way more comfortable saying nothing at all because we don’t want to offend anyone. I believe we are in a day where if we don’t speak out the name of Jesus to this lost and dying world, then the rocks and trees will do it for us. And if that actually transpires, then standing before the judgment seat of Christ is going to be a miserable experience for us. Instead of “well done good and faithful servant,” we are going to hear “why didn’t you say something to the clerk in the grocery store when you could clearly recognize her hurting heart? Why didn’t you say something to your co-worker when you recognized they were having a bad day?”
I don’t mean to scare us here, but scripture clearly states we are all going to stand before the judgment seat of Christ and give an account for what we did when we walked this earth. I would much rather find myself in a position that God is pleased with instead of the other end of the spectrum.
“For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each of us may receive what is due us for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad.” 2 Corinthians 5:10
Heavenly Father, we plead at your feet for forgiveness for being complacent about the lost. Please place within us a burning inside our bones for the lost. Break our hearts for what breaks yours. Guard our hearts against the many excuses we come up with on a minute by minute bases for why we can’t share your love with those around us. We know that they are nothing more then lies from the enemy in the attempt to stop your kingdom from coming as it is in heaven. Jesus, birth a passion in our souls for the lost that literally consumes us if we are not seeking out the lost. Give us backbones of steel, that we will not back down in the moments of testing. We know that fear is not from you. It is just a weapon that satan uses to keep your people silent. Fill us with your loving boldness. We ask this in the precious name of Jesus Christ.
