Mental Illnesses

One of the many shoes I have had the opportunity to wear throughout this process of recovery has been stepping into world of mental illnesses. I really have two stories to share on this subject. The first is my stroke recovery, and the second is in the area of depression. Before I share my stories I want to clear up what depression is so that we all know exactly what I am referring to when I use this word depression. Please note, I am in no way shape or form a medical professional. Nor am I giving any medical advice here. I am simply sharing my story, but I want us all clear on what depression is so that we are all looking at it through the same lens. Depression is a serious medical condition in which a person feels extreme sadness, hopelessness, feels unimportant and is often unable to function in a normal way within society. Depression is caused by a chemical imbalance and is not necessarily something that can be controlled by “mind over matter.”  There are things that can increase the risk of depression such as but not limited to: grief over the loss of a close friend or family member, serious illnesses, physical or emotional abuse, medications, substance abuse, and it can even be genetically inherited. I share this so that we can look at this with a medical mind set and with compassion for those who might be struggling through this difficulty. 

Before having my stroke I was blissfully unaware of the world of mental illnesses. There is an entire group of individuals out there who are misunderstood because their illness can not be seen with the human eye, or by using a microscope. Often people with mental illnesses are ostracized, or at the very least they are looked at as though they are stupid, or not doing their best to get themselves out of the situation they are in.

Brain Injury
After my stroke I had a very difficult time carrying on a conversation because it took me an exorbitant amount of time to retrieve information from the filing system in my brain. Our brains are organized like a huge room full of alphabetized filing cabinets. It was as though someone had taken the filing cabinets and emptied out all the draws of files onto the floor. So when someone was talking to me about the weather I had the hardest time finding the file on the weather. That file was mixed up among the files on cooking, cleaning, gardening, my children, and my husband. So my conversations with people would often times end up with me giving them a blank stare rather than answering their question, and it wasn’t because I did not know the answer. It was simply because I could not find the answer in the jumbled pile of files all over the floor of my brain. I knew that my inability to answer people’s questions in a “normal” amount of time made people, uncomfortable, but there was nothing I could do about it. I had no way of fixing my brain. Only time could heal that one. So needless to say, I got some of the strangest looks during that time of healing from people who just did not understand the complications of my brain injury. They did not know how to react or respond to me. To them I looked normal. To look at me you could not tell that I has just suffered a brain injury. Let’s be honest, with any other body injury there is physical evidence such as a cast, bandages or at least scars. With brain injuries there is no way of telling until you start talking and even then it can leave people scratching their heads wondering "what is wrong with this person?"

Being the humans that we are, we are often guilty of judging a book by it’s cover. We look at a person, make an evaluation about them, than when they begin to speak and our initial evaluation does not line up with what we are hearing, we can sometimes judge even more harshly. And man, have I been guilty of this one! This is one of the reason’s I am SO VERY thankful to have been on this side of the brain injury. I got a chance to see how people respond to someone who is not mentally all there. It’s an eye opening experience! It is an experience that has taught me a great deal of compassion for the human heart, because we sometimes do not have control of what is going on inside our physical bodies, but thankfully our hearts can be laid at the feet of the Almighty!

Depression
Those of whom are struggling with depression have a lot in common with those who are suffering from a brain injury. The typical depression patient does not have control over the chemical imbalance going on inside their bodies. Unfortunately, this causes them to be misunderstood as well. About a year and a half after my stroke I was placed on a medication to try and help manage the daily headaches I was experiencing. This particular medication caused me to deal with some pretty crazy side effects. One of which was depression. I did not notice it initially, because it was something that happened slowly over time. This medication took me to a very dark place. I want to note here that I did not change my daily scripture reading, daily prayer, or any of those daily activities. So as far as me getting fed that was still all the same. What I noticed astounds me even to this day. The scriptures began to read differently to me. I want to share a passage of scripture. Than I am going to share that same passage of scripture in the manner of which my depressed mind was reading it. I want us to notice the difference in how they read.

Psalms 23: (King James)

1 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

What Psalm 23 looks like through the eyes a person who is struggling with depression:

1 The Lord is my shepherd, however, I am in need

2 He calls me to lie in green pastures, and beside quiet waters but his voice is drowned out by my own thoughts which haunt me every waking moment.

3 He wants to restore my soul and lead me, but I can not find him

4 As I am walking in this valley of the shadow of death, evil is all around me, where are you Lord? I feel no comfort from this heaviness that overwhelms me.

5 You prepare a table with my enemies, my head is heavy, and I am drowning in my own cup

6 Lord your goodness and mercy is somewhere, I am just unable to lay hold of it.

I hope you can clearly see the difference between the two. I personally was amazed to have walked this walk and see what goes on in the mind of a depressed person. I never understood depression, or how someone could become depressed. I always assumed it was something they neglected to do, or something that they continued to focus on that they should not have been focusing on which caused them to become depressed. I assumed it was “a mind over matter” thing. I could not have been more wrong. It is not always something that can be controlled by the individual, despite the stereotypical thinking swirling around the world of depression that the person simply thought their way into a depressed state, so they should simply be able to think their way out of it as well. This stereotype is just so far from the truth for many individuals suffering from depression. By experiencing depression first hand I learned that no matter what I did, no matter how much time I spent reading God's word, I could not have gotten myself out of that dark place. I could not have changed the chemicals from going haywire in my brain even though I wanted to. In that time I never lost my faith in the Lord. I am thankful I had that to stand on in that season. My heart hurts for those who have no hope to begin with and than have depression on top of their hopelessness. I at least had hope to start with and to stand on while I was going through that season. God never left me in that season, but as you can see from my depressed version of Psalm 23, He just felt so far away and unreachable.

Depression is a very isolating place. It’s not that I purposely isolated myself, although at times it seemed easier to cope with when I wasn’t around others. It is also a very dark place. A place where you feel as though you are carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. I felt as though I had a dark heavy cloud was following me everywhere I went and no matter what I did, it would not go away. It haunted me continuously!

I share this because I want us to be aware of the breaking hearts behind the clouds of mental illnesses whether they be depression, a brain injury, or the many other mental illness that plague the minds of beautiful people. Let this post give you a glimpse into a world you may never enter into yourself. Allow this post to build in you a sense of compassion for the hearts of those who are struggling with these things. Allow the Lord to melt your heart for those who have serious mental challenges.

Lord, give us an abundance of compassion for those who are struggling with different mental illnesses. You do not love them any less than someone who is not facing a mental illness. So I pray that you help us not to look at their shortcomings or stumbling blocks, but to look at their hearts. I pray that you give us your eyes to see the beauty in them that you see every time you look upon them. I pray that you give us the words to say to these precious hearts and even more so the actions we can do to make them feel and see your love flowing in us and through us. Lord, I pray for those who are struggling with this very area right now. I pray that you shower them with your peace that passes all understanding, that will guard their heart and mind in Christ Jesus. I pray that you fill them with your ever increasing hope! I pray that you bring someone along side them to hold their hand through this challenge. Lord, you desire for our minds to be sound. I pray that you deliver their minds. Set them free from the heaviness that hovers over them each and every day! I pray freedom in Jesus name!