“A foolish child is a father’s ruin, and a quarrelsome wife is like the constant dripping of a leaky roof.” Proverbs 19:13
“ A quarrelsome wife is like the dripping of a leaky roof in a rainstorm; restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand. ” Proverbs 27:15-16
Quarrelsome means to be argumentative, contentious,the tendency to cause disagreement or strife. Someone who is quarrelsome likes to be right, and feels the need to get the last word in or come out with the upper hand in a situation of tension. At first glance of this definition, I would be pretty quick to say I am nowhere near a quarrelsome wife. However, as I look at these phrases like… “likes to be right”, “come out with the upper hand.” Yeah, I can see that there is a tendency for me to be quarrelsome, especially in the moments when I’m feeling weak and vulnerable already.
Have you ever seen the reaction of a hurt wild animal when someone tries to help them? Their natural tendency is to fight. Why? Because in their minds they don’t want to get hurt worse than they already are. It’s their defense mechanism kicking in. They are trying to protect themselves, but what they fail to understand is that in reality, they are pushing away the very hand that is trying to help them heal. I am wired much like that wild animal, especially in those moments when I am already hurting from something else. My defense mechanism kicks in and I become the quarrelsome wife that scripture talks about. My insecurities get the upper hand and I fight back. Can anyone relate, or is it just me? I’m guessing there are probably a few of you who become quarrelsome when your husband puts a finger on your already hurting wound. Here is what I fail to remember in those moments. My husband is not my enemy. He is the hand that is trying to help bring healing and I am pushing him away by being quarrelsome.
If we take a look at Proverbs 19:13 and Proverbs 27:15 closer, they both say that a quarrelsome wife becomes like a constant dripping. Have you ever had a dripping sink? How about the sound of a toilet that just keeps running and does not shut off? Does it irritate you? It drives my husband insane! He absolutely hates those continuous sounds that don’t let up. And yet the word of God says I am that type of irritant to my husband when I am quarrelsome. Proverbs 27:16 says restraining a quarrelsome wife is as difficult as catching the wind or holding oil in the hands. Both of these things are about impossible to contain. Thank goodness we serve a God of the impossible!
Our Heavenly Father is so gracious with us. Not only has He sent us husbands to help us learn, but He is so patient with us in this process of learning. Even though our husbands may grow impatient with us, we serve a God who has a detailed roadmap for us to follow and is patiently helping us navigate our way through the wounds and scars of life. How do we combat the mindset of a quarrelsome wife, especially in those moments we think we are right and our husbands are in the wrong?
Admit and Lay it down
We must be willing to admit when we are being quarrelsome before we can ever hope to overcome the constant dripping in our husband’s ears. The very moment we notice this creeping in we need to run to the feet of Jesus and ask for His help and wisdom. We can not cut the bonds of being quarrelsome without Him!
Be quick to listen and slow to speak
James 1:19-12 says... “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.” We are never going to solve our problems by arguing them away, all this will bring is destruction. If we truly desire to see our situations transformed, then that transformation must happen in us first. From the overflow of a changed heart, will flow a desire in others to change will inevitably become contagious.
Select our words carefully
Part of being slow to speak means that we take the time to think about how our words will affect the heart and mind of the one we are speaking them to. Will our words bring life or destruction, joy or pain, peace or turmoil? Scripture tells us to... “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.” 1 Thessalonians 5:11. If it is not encouraging, it should probably not be said.
Choose the appropriate tone of voice
It’s not just the words we say that speak volumes, it is the tone in which we say them, our body language as they roll off our lips and our and our overall demeanor as we speak that will penetrate the heart. We can say all the right words and still come across as a quarrelsome wife with our tone, body language, and demeanor. Yep, I can definitely relate to this one! There have been many moments I have shared things with my husband and they were not received well, all because I shared them in the wrong tone and demeanor. Scripture tells us that… “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Proverbs 15:1
Pick the ideal time
Not every moment is the right moment to discuss challenging situations with our husbands. When he walks in the door from a long day at work, it is not the right time! We as wives need to be sensitive to his needs as well. “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” Philippians 2:3-4. When we are able to decipher when it is a good time and when it is not a good time to discuss challenges we will be able to keep ourselves from becoming a quarrelsome wife.
“The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.” Proverbs 14:1. I believe we become a wise woman when we communicate with the proper tone, body language, and demeanor. I also think that a wise woman is able to discern the proper timing to discuss difficult situations. By doing these things we build our house and in turn it keeps us from being a quarrelsome woman who tears down their house.
Approach with a heart of love, compassion, and humility
“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.” Ephesians 4:2
“Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” 1 Peter 4:8
In order for us to even begin to communicate with the proper tone, body language and demeanor, and to discern the best time to share, we must first operate from a place of love, compassion, and humility. That’s the bottom line here, when we keep ourselves humble, compassionate and overflowing with love, then it will be much easier to guard ourselves against being a quarrelsome wife. I don’t know about you, but this is challenging at times. My selfish nature wants its way something fierce at times and I’m ashamed to admit it, but my husband ends up with the quarrelsome wife when he should be getting the one filled with love, compassion, and humility.
Heavenly Father, you know the struggles we face at times. Our selfish nature crops in on us and our poor husbands get the complete opposite of what they should be getting. I pray that you help us to recognize when we are being quarrelsome and run to your feet immediately. Help us to hold our tongues, to be quick to listen and slow to speak. Guide our tongues to the right words to say, the proper tone, body language and demeanor in which we convey them. Give us wisdom in when to share and above all else fill us with your love, compassion, and humility. We ask all these things in the precious name of Jesus Christ.
References used: Crosswalk.com, gotquestions.org
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