The Excuses

One of the first parenting classes my husband and I went through together we were inundated with so many invaluable things, but one particular lesson that seemed to really stick with us was the importance of not excusing away poor behavior. This is something many of us parents are guilty of, including myself. Let me give you some examples of what I am talking about here. If our child is having a melt down in the checkout line at the grocery store and the only thing we do is make a comment to the person standing behind us that goes something like this… “I’m so sorry. He is not usually like this. We are late for his nap. He is so tired and that’s why he is acting like this.”  Let me put this into perspective for what has just been done in the eyes of this child. In his little mind he is thinking “Mom just gave me permission to act like this anytime I am late getting down for my nap. I am allowed to act like this when I am tired. I can also act up when we are out in public because she isn’t doing anything to make me stop, so it must be fine by her. So, I will act like this the next time we are in the grocery store and see what happens.”

We can not be so naive to think that our children do not pick up on the excuses we make for their unacceptable behavior. Our excuses for our child’s poor behavior does not make their behavior right. So, why do we justify away their poor behavior? I think most of these excuses happen in the public eye. So because of this, we are embarrassed and don’t know how to handle the situation. However, the excuses in parenting are not limited to the times we are in public. Let me give you an example of what it might look like in our own homes. It is just before dad will be getting home from work. We are tired, our feet hurt and we have a headache. The kids start bickering and instead of dealing with it right away, we let them to continue bickering because we are too tired to deal with them any more. How many of us have played the “I’m too tired” excuse card? I know I have a time or two! No matter how many excuses we make, if we don’t deal with the poor behavior we will only see it get worse. Excuses are one of the many tools that the devils uses to gain access to the hearts of our children. When we excuse poor behavior away rather than deal with it on the spot we are giving our children permission to act that way again. So, when the next episode comes around, it it is only going to be harder to get them to stop. We are always better off dealing with a poor behavior choice the first time we see it rather than allow that behavior to continue by making an excuse for it.

“Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; The rod of discipline [correction administered with godly wisdom and loving kindness] will remove it far from him.” Proverbs 22:15 (Amplified)

The Bible tells us that our children have foolishness in their heart. It is our responsibility as parents to get it out, not excuse it away and hope that it doesn’t come back. The reality is this, it will never go away with our excuses. It will always come back and most of the time it will come back with vengeance. This verse talks about using the rod of discipline or correction to remove the foolishness. One thing I like about the Amplified version is that it reinforces to us the proper way to use the rod of correction, “administered with godly wisdom and loving kindness.” What a great reminder to us as parents! (I have written in  an earlier post touching on this very topic,called  “A Mother’s Commission.” Please feel free to revisit that post if you would like.) I by no means think that every poor behavior needs to be corrected with the rod. But, whatever form of correction we choose to use, making excuses for it and letting it go should not be our plan of action.

Why bring discipline?

“because the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.” Hebrews 12:6

The Lord disciplines and corrects because He loves us. We need to look at correction as an act of love, not a form of disdain for our children. When we make excuses for our child’s poor behavior, we are basically telling them we don’t love them. If we loved them we would bring correction to them in those moments, even if it means sucking it up in the face of an embarrassing situation, like when we are in the line at the grocery store. Here in lies the problem, when the rubber meets the road many of us are not willing to lay aside our pride and bring loving correction. Instead we would rather make the excuses then forgo the potentially embarrassing situation that correction might bring in that moment. I have to admit I have looked many of those embarrassing situations in the eye and caved to the temporarily easy road of excuse making. Notice, however, I said temporarily. The excuses will never bring about a change to the heart to our children. So while it will alleviate the pressure from us for the moment, it will never get to the root cause of the poor behavior of which is bound up in the hearts of our children. Discipline is designed by God to bring out the the foolishness from their hearts so that when they are faced with that same situation again, they will remember right from wrong in those instances.  

To read more about the Lord bringing discipline to those He loves see a post entitled: “A God of Consequence”.

A word of encouragement

My encouragement  comes as a reminder today. (I am loudly preaching to myself here too.) It is so very important that we remember not to make excuses in the moments of conflict with our children. I don’t know about you, but it hit me pretty hard when I realized that making excuses for my children's poor behavior is like me telling them I do not love them. Love comes in the form of bringing our children’s heart to a place of wanting to choose righteousness for themselves. This will never come by us excusing away their poor behavior choices. My prayer is that when we want to make an excuse for why we can’t bring about correction that we choose a Godly form of discipline instead.

Lord, how easy it is to make excuses for why we can’t deal with the poor behavior of our children right now! Help us in those moments when we would much rather pretend like the situation did not just happen, that we choose Godly discipline over the temporary ease of our pride. Lord, your discipline is loving and always comes to bring about a change of heart not just a change of behavior. Help us to bring a change to the hearts of our children in these moments of conflict. We know that just as every child is different, so is the way in which we should handle discipline in each situation. Give us much wisdom in this area.