Parenting The Heart

Some parents instantly acquire a connection with their children at birth that grows as their children grow. For me, it wasn’t so much of a connection as it was an instant need to get them to behave the way I wanted. From the minute they were born I felt the need to manipulate behavior. However, this approach to parenting would quickly prove itself to be problematic if this was the only method of parenting my children ever saw. There is a need in parenting to switch from parenting behavior, to parenting the heart. In order to parent the heart of a child, it needs to come from a place of love and relationship, from a place of vulnerability, something that I am not good at, but by God's grace I pray that this is an area I will grow and prosper in.

Small rant 
Yes, I am openly admitting this fact to you. Why? Because like every other parent, I have not arrived. I do not know it all. In fact, there is a whole lot more that I don’t know then I actually know. So, this is why I share this part of me with you all today. I get the feeling that when we read blogs, we somehow think that the person writing has figured it all out and that is why they are writing. The truth is, we all miss it. We all have things we need to get better at, change, fix, and tweak in our parenting as well as in our lives. There is no one who has arrived on the other side of this screen. Sorry, for the short little tangent there. I just wanted you all to remember that I am just an ordinary person writing about the things God has been teaching me. My hope is that you will glean from the things I share and the Lord will teach you some things in the process.

A need for change

I have a tendency to  find myself feeling inconvenienced and frustrated at times with my children. Sadly, my children are to the age that they can see my frustration and they will often apologize for it, when it is not them at all, it is me. I am the one with the skewed perception of how I think this parenting thing needs to work. I am finding the need to start enjoying my children more and to parent from my heart to their hearts. There is a need for me to become a little more vulnerable in my parenting and not so rigid. I can not always be right and my children wrong. Truly, I am not perfect, so what makes me think they must always do as I say no questions asked? I miss it sometimes and it is important for my kids to know what I do and how I handle myself when I mess up. It is important that I teach their hearts and not just their outward behaviors. It has been hard to make a 180 degree shift in my thinking. How about you? Do you find yourself parenting solely the behavior of your children rather than the heart? Controlling behavior is one thing when they are young.  But if we expect our children to be responsible, independent adults, than it is our responsibility as parents to show them how to work through their own problems, how to be critical thinkers and problem solvers, rather than merely correcting wrong behavior all of the time. Our children need to know why something is wrong, how to make it right, and what they can do to guard their hearts from wanting to do that same thing again. Along with this, our children need to know that we have their backs, that we love them even in the moments that they mess up. Why? Because this is how God operates. God has our backs. He loves us even when we mess up, miss the mark and disappoint. He loves us! We need to make sure we are training our children to be secure in making good choices. There will come a day when we as parents will not be around to be able to tell them what to do and how to do it. So, have we prepared their hearts to stand on their own two feet and choose righteousness? One thing I have recently been asking my older two children is “well, what do you think you should do?” I want them to openly communicate their thoughts so that they learn how to work through their problems instead of being told how to do things all of the time. I want them to be able to critically think about the situation that they face and be able to come up with a solution for themselves. I am not raising robots here. I am raising up soldiers in the army of the Lord! They need to learn to recognize the battle that lies before them and know how to fight the good fight of faith.

Our world is not getting any easier for anyone to navigate. If we send our under prepared children out into the world to fend for themselves, we are sure to see them struggle unnecessarily.  Even the most prepared individuals have struggles in life, but the difference is that they have the tools to work through the the tough times without falling apart. Those who are under prepared lack the problem solving skills to work through the times of adversity. So when these times come, it will leave them overcome rather than walking in the victory of being an overcomer.

Parenting like the Lord

One of my new parenting goals is to convert my parenting style from parenting more out of authority to parenting more out of relationship. As my children enter into the transition years I want them to know that mom is not just a disciplinarian, but a trusting friend they can turn to and talk things out with. I am not looking to be my children's best friends, but I do however, want my children to be comfortable enough with our relationship that they are not afraid to come to me with anything that they are struggling with, no matter what. When I really stop and think about it, this is how our heavenly Father desires our relationship to be with Him. He desires for us to go to Him with the things we are struggling with. He doesn’t want us to be so afraid that He is going to discipline us with a heavy hand that we are too scared to come to Him with our hurting hearts. On the contrary, our Lord longs for us to open up our hearts to Him. He longs for us to share our deepest hurts and let Him into our most vulnerable places. However, the Lord is not going to force His way into the overprotected areas of our hearts. He will patiently wait on us to lay ourselves at His feet and share those things with Him.

As I enter into this new phase of parenting I need to be sure to take some lessons from the way the Lord handles my heart. Just as the Lord is patient and not forceful, I must be sure not to force my children to share their hearts with me. I must wait patiently and pray for those opportunities to present themselves. I want my children to come to me because they are willing and ready, not because they have no other choice. The other hitch to this is being ready for those times whenever they may come. I have a sneaky suspicion that they will probably happen in moments when it is least expected. The true test will come in those moments. Will I brush off those moments, or will I allow my heart to be open and ready to listen to what my children have to share? Will I respond rightly, or will I be ready to jump back into my previous role of authoritarian and be ready with the rod of correction? I am sure that as our family embarks on this transition that there will be a whole lot of seeking the Lord going on in this house! I am quite sure that we will be in dire need for His guidance for the situations that will present themselves in the coming years.

How about you? Do you find yourself in a time of transitioning your parenting style?    

Lord, I thank you that you show us a beautiful example of parenting from the heart in our relationship with you each and every day. Help us as we to parent our children from the heart just as you parent us from your heart. Help us to be ready in those moments when our children open up their most private places of their hearts. Help us to handle their hearts with the utmost of care! Give us a heart of compassion for their precious hearts and ears to hear what they are saying. Help us to shut off our judgmental thinking and open up our ears so we can speak what you want us to speak into their hearts in those vulnerable moments. Give us your wisdom Lord!

For more on parenting visit: The Mirror Concept, Lessons From Our Children, Parent Communication, Parenting Goals, Consistency In Parenting, The Growing Pains Of Motherhood, A Mother's Commission and Precious Moments